He’s out of my life…
Some 16 months back, I got too bored in front of my laptop and decided to enter into a chatroom. I’m really not the aggressive type who would do the first move on sending messages to random chatters. I would normally wait for messages to appear. One boring evening, a chat window popped out on my screen. At first, I was too hesitant to talk to that stranger because his handle slash user ID was too naughty and provocative for me. And so, I honestly told that stranger that I’m not interested to chat with him simply because I didn’t like his handle. He just LOL-ed and continued on to convince me that there’s nothing wrong with his ID. We instantly hit it off. And we started to chat. That first chat session lasted for more than 3 hours.
My new found online friend then started to communicate to me regularly. We started to build a friendship even though we were thousands of miles apart. Time difference was never a hindrance for us as we get to talk at the most convenient time… my night time that is. We talked about a lot of things… mostly about the usual getting-to-know stuff like work, family, hobbies, likes and dislikes, and other personal stuff that is worth knowing and sharing. We’ve learned more about each other as days and weeks went by. We shared laughter and even some sad on-goings that came our way. I felt that there was a special kind of connection between us. Talking to him then became a part of my system. I really enjoyed being online with him. He truly was a nice and sensible guy.
For me, he was the “perfect” package. Call me immature, but I really got instantly hooked with his looks. Well, who wouldn’t? He’s got sweet manly facial features, nice smile, sexy blue eyes, an almost perfect nose, cute curly blonde hair and not to mention, an uber sizzling hot bod. As I would normally term it, he’s just so overly delicious and mouthwatering. LOL. Kidding aside, I tried to look beyond his physique. And yes, his personality is really something I would fall in love with. He’s a good son to his parents and a sweet older brother to his sister. He took on every responsibility so seriously. He was very much straight forward. He expressed what he likes and dislikes in me without being offensive. He has his sweet special way of saying things. He’s not much of a funny guy but he indeed has a smooth and subtle sense of humour.
As months passed by, I started to notice something different in me. I was beginning to develop feelings toward him. It was a relief for me to know that it was mutual as he explicitly told me how he felt for me. And I did the same for him. Although he (or I, for that matter) never mentioned anything about love or future plans, I knew we had a special connection that could go far beyond friendship.
For the longest time, I have never thought I will ever meet a guy who would really measure up to my standards. Without any effort, he just did. In fact, he was more than what I was hoping for. I remember making a list 3 years back about my so-called standards slash checklist of guy-requirements and he just missed one item. That is, he’s younger than me… just by 3 years though. He actually read that entry once and asked me what I really meant about age preference. Oh well, I simply told him that my checklist was written some years back and that particular item does not apply to him at all. I opted to make him the “only” exception to my rules. LOL.
For 16 months, I tried to nurture that special online friendship. I know he did, too, as he made time to talk to me despite his busy schedules.
For 16 months, I tried to patiently wait on the hope that someday soon, I will get to meet him up close and really know him on a very personal level. I have been wanting for that day to come. And I know he was, too. He even planned to visit Boracay with me and asked me to be with him all the time once he comes over.
For 16 months, I tried to hold onto my feelings until I see him for real. I never told him how I really feel for him as I know it’s not proper to tell serious matters in such impersonal manner.
Last Sunday, for the very first time, I received an email from him. I was kinda surprised as we only get to communicate via chat. He started by telling me updates about his 5-month training in Europe which I was aware of. He told me that he’s back in his native land for some R and R before going back to the Middle East. He said he was glad to see some of his friends while he was there. And suddenly, he broke a not-so-good news to me… he opted to take on a commitment with an old-time friend who is deeply in love with him. In fact, it’s just not any other marriage commitment. For me, he did something noble that he somehow needs to sacrifice something for his new girl. I completely understood that she needs his love and attention more than anything in this world. I don’t wanna drill down on details but I really found sincerity in his email. I had no choice but to accept it. Besides I am completely aware that we were never the boyfriend-girlfriend type of chatmates.
But there’s one portion in his email that struck me the most. It was the part when he said, “I’m sorry for telling this to you. I really wanted to marry you. I was supposed to propose to you when I see you in person. Maybe you will feel bad about it. But I wanted to make everything clear before I enter into a new life. I’m so sorry.” As always, I felt how sincere he was.
At first, I was in awe. I never thought that he could be that serious to want to propose to me. And when I tried to absorb those words further, it made me so freaking sad… so sad that tears fell off my eyes. I felt all my dreams for/about/with him instantly vanished into thin air. No more hoping of being with him every waking morning of my life. No more dreaming of seeing the world with him. And no more wishing of spending a sweet lifetime just with him.
For days, I tried hard to accept all these. I know things happen for a reason. He was back in his hometown for a greater purpose. Maybe the girl, now his wife, needs him more than I do. Maybe his wife can love him more than I could. And maybe, just maybe, his new girl deserves him more than I do.
But then I again I thought, don’t I need him too? Don’t I love and care for him too? Don’t I deserve to be with an awesome guy like him? Every single day, I hoped and wished for someone like him… exactly like him.Too bad though, it’s just not meant to be. We were not meant to be. Note to readers: Don’t bother telling me that pampalubag loob statement, “Dont worry, someone better will come along”. I don’t think there’s someone better out there. And if there is, I might not care that much.
Oh well, I’d stop whining now. He’s already gone. I may never get to talk to him again. But I don’t have any regrets on knowing someone like him and spending those sleepless nights talking to him. I’m glad I got to know a person with such good heart.
And to my special friend, I will truly and deeply miss you. But now, I say goodbye to you. I hope and pray that you will be loved and adored more than you truly deserve… way more than I could.
I found this song too fitting for what I feel. I’m trying to tell myself that he is out of my life. Or is it the other way around… I’m out of his life. Ouch! 😛