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He’s out of my life…

February 8, 2010

Some 16 months back, I got too bored in front of my laptop and decided to enter into a chatroom. I’m really not the aggressive type who would do the first move on sending messages to random chatters. I would normally wait for messages to appear. One boring evening, a chat window popped out on my screen. At first, I was too hesitant to talk to that stranger because his handle slash user ID was too naughty and provocative for me. And so, I honestly told that stranger that I’m not interested to chat with him simply because I didn’t like his handle. He just LOL-ed and continued on to convince me that there’s nothing wrong with his ID. We instantly hit it off. And we started to chat. That first chat session lasted for more than 3 hours.

My new found online friend then started to communicate to me regularly. We started to build a friendship even though we were thousands of miles apart. Time difference was never a hindrance for us as we get to talk at the most convenient time… my night time that is. We talked about a lot of things… mostly about the usual getting-to-know stuff like work, family, hobbies, likes and dislikes, and other personal stuff that is worth knowing and sharing. We’ve learned more about each other as days and weeks went by. We shared laughter and even some sad on-goings that came our way. I felt that there was a special kind of connection between us. Talking to him then became a part of my system. I really enjoyed being online with him. He truly was a nice and sensible guy.

For me, he was the “perfect” package. Call me immature, but I really got instantly hooked with his looks. Well, who wouldn’t? He’s got sweet manly facial features, nice smile, sexy blue eyes, an almost perfect nose, cute curly blonde hair and not to mention, an uber sizzling hot bod. As I would normally term it, he’s just so overly delicious and mouthwatering. LOL. Kidding aside, I tried to look beyond his physique. And yes, his personality is really something I would fall in love with. He’s a good son to his parents and a sweet older brother to his sister. He took on every responsibility so seriously. He was very much straight forward. He expressed what he likes and dislikes in me without being offensive. He has his sweet special way of saying things. He’s not much of a funny guy but he indeed has a smooth and subtle sense of humour.

As months passed by, I started to notice something different in me. I was beginning to develop feelings toward him. It was a relief for me to know that it was mutual as he explicitly told me how he felt for me. And I did the same for him. Although he (or I, for that matter) never mentioned anything about love or future plans, I knew we had a special connection that could go far beyond friendship.

For the longest time, I have never thought I will ever meet a guy who would really measure up to my standards. Without any effort, he just did. In fact, he was more than what I was hoping for. I remember making a list 3 years back about my so-called standards slash checklist of guy-requirements and he just missed one item. That is, he’s younger than me… just by 3 years though. He actually read that entry once and asked me what I really meant about age preference. Oh well, I simply told him that my checklist was written some years back and that particular item does not apply to him at all. I opted to make him the “only” exception to my rules. LOL.

For 16 months, I tried to nurture that special online friendship. I know he did, too, as he made time to talk to me despite his busy schedules.

For 16 months, I tried to patiently wait on the hope that someday soon, I will get to meet him up close and really know him on a very personal level. I have been wanting for that day to come. And I know he was, too. He even planned to visit Boracay with me and asked me to be with him all the time once he comes over.

For 16 months, I tried to hold onto my feelings until I see him for real. I never told him how I really feel for him as I know it’s not proper to tell serious matters in such impersonal manner.

Last Sunday, for the very first time, I received an email from him. I was kinda surprised as we only get to communicate via chat. He started by telling me updates about his 5-month training in Europe which I was aware of. He told me that he’s back in his native land for some R and R before going back to the Middle East. He said he was glad to see some of his friends while he was there. And suddenly, he broke a not-so-good news to me… he opted to take on a commitment with an old-time friend who is deeply in love with him. In fact, it’s just not any other marriage commitment. For me, he did something noble that he somehow needs to sacrifice something for his new girl. I completely understood that she needs his love and attention more than anything in this world. I don’t wanna drill down on details but I really found sincerity in his email. I had no choice but to accept it. Besides I am completely aware that we were never the boyfriend-girlfriend type of chatmates.

But there’s one portion in his email that struck me the most. It was the part when he said, “I’m sorry for telling this to you. I really wanted to marry you. I was supposed to propose to you when I see you in person. Maybe you will feel bad about it. But I wanted to make everything clear before I enter into a new life. I’m so sorry.” As always, I felt how sincere he was.

At first, I was in awe. I never thought that he could be that serious to want to propose to me. And when I tried to absorb those words further, it made me so freaking sad… so sad that tears fell off my eyes. I felt all my dreams for/about/with him instantly vanished into thin air. No more hoping of being with him every waking morning of my life. No more dreaming of seeing the world with him. And no more wishing of spending a sweet lifetime just with him.

For days, I tried hard to accept all these. I know things happen for a reason. He was back in his hometown for a greater purpose. Maybe the girl, now his wife, needs him more than I do. Maybe his wife can love him more than I could. And maybe, just maybe, his new girl deserves him more than I do.

But then I again I thought, don’t I need him too? Don’t I love and care for him too? Don’t I deserve to be with an awesome guy like him? Every single day, I hoped and wished for someone like him… exactly like him.Too bad though, it’s just not meant to be. We were not meant to be. Note to readers: Don’t bother telling me that pampalubag loob statement, “Dont worry, someone better will come along”. I don’t think there’s someone better out there. And if there is, I might not care that much.

Oh well, I’d stop whining now. He’s already gone. I may never get to talk to him again. But I don’t have any regrets on knowing someone like him and spending those sleepless nights talking to him. I’m glad I got to know a person with such good heart.

And to my special friend, I will truly and deeply miss you. But now, I say goodbye to you. I hope and pray that you will be loved and adored more than you truly deserve… way more than I could.

I found this song too fitting for what I feel. I’m trying to tell myself that he is out of my life. Or is it the other way around… I’m out of his life. Ouch!😛

31 Comments leave one →
  1. February 8, 2010 3:44 pm

    Siggghhh!!!!
    Such dignity.

    I wish you well

  2. leia permalink
    February 8, 2010 4:46 pm

    hi winks. im so sorry. i know how it feels to want someone so bad but you just can’t have him. and when they say that someone better will come along? you wouldn’t really care. kasi you know who you want to be with na e. :((

  3. February 8, 2010 7:00 pm

    Miss Winkie, I admire you for that very nice attitude. Judging from all the posts that I’ve read here on your blog, I can tell that you have a great personality. It’s just that some things are not meant to happen. I can feel the sadness and I hope you’re getting over it.

    Stay happy!🙂
    I wish you all the good things in life.
    *brotherly embrace* ^_^

  4. February 9, 2010 2:15 am

    aray ko po! Hug😉

  5. Star permalink
    February 9, 2010 4:41 am

    aww. Bbye na kay blue eyes? *hug*

    you’re pretty, winkiedoodle. You’ll soon find the right one for you.🙂

  6. February 9, 2010 6:46 am

    … and I don’t know whether to laugh or cry…

    Anyway, kung di ukol.. di bubukol. Wag ka maghintay ng kapalit, magugulat ka na lang one day nanjan na sya sa harap mo.. and it would feel better than ever. Smile!🙂

  7. IKAY permalink
    February 9, 2010 7:30 am

    so goodbye superman na pala…😦

    well at least he do the effort na sabihin pa syo at hind yung katulad ng iba jan na basta na lang nglalaho… at dahil jan may ngtxt…
    ” its OK Winkie I’m still here” —> Reuters ^_^
    weeee! labyu ate winks muawh!

  8. February 9, 2010 4:11 pm

    sighhhh….

    hussssssssssssssssss…..

    di ko alam kung ano sasabihin ko!

    sighhhhhhhhhhhhhh….

    life mo to! luv mo siya!

  9. ghie permalink
    February 9, 2010 8:41 pm

    luv u girl!!!!!!!!!

  10. tito aga permalink
    February 10, 2010 2:00 pm

    hello there my dear friend… it’s been while since i last read any of your blogs.

    maybe we can have a little talk. i’ll text you when i get there, if i get there.🙂
    hope to see you soon… tsk! tsk!

  11. aperockstar permalink
    February 10, 2010 5:33 pm

    its not how you fall, its how you bounce back.🙂

    • February 12, 2010 4:13 am

      Nice one pre! 😉

  12. Jamie permalink
    February 10, 2010 8:03 pm

    *hugs*

  13. February 11, 2010 6:48 am

    HUGS for you Winkz!

    Pabayaan mo pag nagkita tau tuloy natin ang rally sa Ayala! hahaha.

    Stay happy & pretty. Mwah.🙂

  14. February 11, 2010 11:18 pm

    friend, life must go on!!!😉 i hope you are okay. wish you well, mwah!

  15. February 12, 2010 10:03 am

    Hi! i spend hours reading your older post and i would say that you’re a very good daughter, i saw myself in you when my mother was still alive, i just wish you all the best and you deserve the very best. Greetings from Germany

  16. forbiddenlei permalink
    February 13, 2010 6:39 am

    ate winks tagal ko na hndi napapadaan dito ah..

    padaan hehehe

    “everything has got its place and time” =)

  17. February 13, 2010 1:10 pm

    just new here… drop by lang po

    astig! nakakatouch , ngayon lang po ako napabasa ng medyo mahaba habang post and medyo nakakarelate ako haizt ang hirap talaga ma fall lalo na sa complicated situations pero pinapabayaan lang natin kc nagiging masaya namn tayo kahit na alam natin na malabo pero he’s nice namn kc talagang nagsabi pa sya sau about the situation kc kung di namn sya sincere about you, he just disappear..

  18. February 13, 2010 3:28 pm

    ate winkie, happy valentines!

  19. Mr. Nonsense permalink
    February 13, 2010 3:33 pm

    im so impress how ur so matter-of-fact about this. ur one strong chick. and what he did was noble..,.yeah too bad. i know that u take comfort in the understanding that he had the same feelings for u too and that men like him do exist….pero putragis naman yang lalaking yan! bitin ang malahudas nya! pigsain sana ang tumbong nya!
    good to him….and most especially, to u. we, yeah me including, luv u, winkie.

    • Mr. Nonsense permalink
      February 13, 2010 3:34 pm

      good”luck” to him…and most especi….

  20. February 15, 2010 9:20 pm

    remember the rule about soulmates…

    you can have more than 1 soulmate..
    and he/she does not need to be your husband/wife.

    you just found a link to your soul. please continue your friendship.

  21. February 16, 2010 12:22 am

    (sigh) minsan lang ako mapadaan, sad pa. tapang mo winks😉 full of emotions and full of love. sabi nga, love… love… love…

  22. February 16, 2010 1:46 am

    ngayon lang ako ulit napadaan dito…pero nalungkot sa kwento mo. I just hope that you will be able to bounce back soon. i believe the only thing that can happen is for things to start picking up soon.

    *hugs* *hugs*

  23. February 16, 2010 10:39 am

    Awwwww…

    well, such is the power of that thing they call love…

    ito na lang, do you remember when you were a kid, and you have something that you thought was the greatest thing ever, and when you look back now, you think how silly it is that you thought that way?

    but then again, maybe it is not silly and it still holds true today.

    ewan…hehehe

    basta belated happy valentines. =)

  24. February 17, 2010 11:27 pm

    wow, nakita ko na totoong na inlove ka.. sayang nga lang at hindi natulog, pero ang sarap magmahal no? lalo na kung yung taong makikita mo ay yung talagang pinangarap mo..

  25. February 19, 2010 2:54 am

    ngayon lang ulit ako nadaaan sa blag mo… pero hindi kaya pampalubag loob lang yung sinabi niya sau? para lang ma-cushion yung feelings mo. alam ko yan, gawain ko yan eh. mwahahahahaha!

    ganyan lang talaga layf, winks! nung kabataan ko nga, ito na lang ang sinasabi ko… “sagutin mo kung nararapat, kung hindi, makalipat”…. sayang ang oras at panahon eh. kung hindi ukol sau, hintay na lang ulit ng darating. pero tandaan din natin ang sabi ni bob ong, minsan ‘lumandi’ ka din.

  26. April 12, 2010 10:57 pm

    I read some of your posts. You really lay your personal feelings on the line for everyone to see. I couldn’t do that. I would feel like walking naked down the street. I feel that certain things about ones feelings, personal romances & desires shouldn’t be shared so openly, But, I have to add if that’s what helps you to open up, & release those issues, go right ahead & lay it all on the table for others to read.If it works for you, go for it!

    Hope you are safe there in Thailand with the demonstrations of the “red shirts” or the” Yellow shirts”. Keep your head down when you go outside.

    Mike

    PS- I noticed you were interested in Disneyland? I live 6 miles from there in southern cal.
    Let me know If I can assist you & Your Mom in any way.

    Mike

    You are not the first person to have told me that. I’m a bit too comfortable telling my personal feelings to friends. And when I started my blog, I likewise used this as a venue to share whatever feelings I would have. But of course, I still choose the things to share and there are still some things that I intend to keep to myself.

    Thanks so much for the concern but I’m not from Thailand. I’m a Filipina and I live in Manila. I just went to Thailand late last year and took my mom there as a birthday present.

    Oh I would love to visit Disney in CA… and most especially in Florida😛 But I’m only going to Disneyland in Hong Kong for my birthday. But in case I plan to visit CA, I will try to contact you🙂

  27. April 15, 2010 7:25 am

    ganun talga ang life. maging REALISTIC din po kasi sa guy requirement. malay mo yung taong d pasok sa requirement mo eh sya yung mag mamahal sau ng lubusan at totoo. d sa lahat ng oras applicable yung law ng magnet na positive attract yung negative.🙂. stay happy!

  28. Claire permalink
    May 29, 2010 4:53 pm

    Such grace, strength, and dignity. Women who find themselves in the same dilemma/situation will find inspiration in how you handled this. How I felt your sadness in your writing! Sumakit ang puso ko nung nabasa ko yung post mo. Hope by this time, you’re feeling much better.🙂 Love from Singapore.

    Claire

    hi claire,

    well, this post was really full of emotions because i was extremely sad when i wrote it. this was indeed an expression and extension of what i was feeling back then. sorry to have made you sad while you were reading this. but hey, i’m perfectly fine now. and what’s best is that, we still remained friends… very good friends.🙂

    thanks for peeking in. hope to see you back🙂

  29. justme permalink
    June 7, 2010 8:58 am

    oh my gosh sis, i can relate to you so much! had been through the same thing, with my ex. i met him online too, but he’s also a pinoy. at first i didn’t want to chat with him na kasi he seems mayabang. but then i got to know him better, he was different pala. different from the other guys i met before, and still think he’s unique until now. he’s mabait, intelligent, and i’ve never met a guy who challenged me before, intellectually, and emotionally. di ko aakalain he would be the guy i will fall for and hard. 9 months after we met online, we eventually get to meet personally. the relationship lasted 2yrs. till now, the sweetest memories i had are those of him..but still it would always remain this way, memories.. *sigh* ate, sorry nagshare na tuloy ako dito. hehe. i was really touched by your blog po.

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