That rollercoaster feeling
I’m experiencing some sort of rollercoaster life now, physically and emotionally.
I called in sick today from work because I felt something different last night. It was my first time to suffer from vertigo and I have spent my last 20 hours with this very uneasy feeling. Kinda freaky actually. I felt severe dizziness that I can’t stand still. I felt I was floating and everything around me was moving. Vertigo vertigo pa eh in short para lang akong lasing! LOL. I’m a little well now as I was able to reach my lappy on this table. Well, I wish I’d be completely ok tomorrow as I have a very important presentation. Else, I might get booted out from work. *knocks on wood*
I’m likewise having a bit of an emotional rollercoaster feeling right now. Yesterday, I posted “sad and perplexed” in my YM status. My being upset was a bit too petty while my being perplexed is a bit too normal these days. I’m not sure if I can blog out this feeling of sadness and confusion, so I decided to repost an entry (again — mejo mabenta ang repost eh! hehehe!) which I think comes close to the feeling I’m experiencing right now. Here is the entry I did some two years back entitled Dreams! Dreams! Dreams!:
Today I’m writing about dreams… defined as a series of images, ideas, emotions, and sensations occurring involuntarily in the mind during certain stages of sleep. Nice definition huh?! Thanks to dictionary.com, hehehe!
My mom and I share the same bedroom. But since I’m not comfortable having a “katabi” on my sleep, we don’t share bed together. Our beds are located far apart each other. The other night, I was still watching TV when I heard my mom murmuring words while asleep. I immediately woke her up because I heard her crying. She was having a bad dream. As soon as she woke up, she asked me if we could transfer to our ‘sala’ as she feels her dreams would recur if she’d go back to sleep in her bed.
Well, to cut the long story short, I gave in to Mommy’s request… but I ended up having a bad dream. Lumipat yata sa akin yung omen ng bad dreams nya! Hehehe! My dream that night wasn’t actually a nightmare as it was a usual dream for me. My dreams are kinda strange and keep on recurring like a cycle… with different scenarios and cast, eer persons involved pala! Hehehe!
These are my “usual” dreams:
(1) I would always dream of falling from the upper most part of our stairs. Don’t worry, mababa lang bahay namin so I won’t get hurt that bad… at sarado na yung hagdan ngayon! Hahaha! Anyhow, I don’t usually see myself hit the floor… madalas napuputol yung dream and would transpire into another scenario. This dream usually occurs before I completely go to sleep… others put it as “half-asleep”.
(2) I would always dream of being chased, attacked or hunted by a person. The attacker varies from friends to relatives to unknown persons… and the weirdest of all, monsters and aliens! In my dream, I would always feel frightened, scared and too afraid to get caught. I don’t usually get caught though because I know that I was only dreaming… so I would always make it a point to wake up before anything bad happens. Whenever I tell Mommy about this, she would always laugh at me and say, “Ayan, ang hilig mo kasi manuod ng kung anu-anong palabas! Pati tuloy sa panaginip mo eh may aliens!”
(3) I would always dream of being naked in the midst of a crowd. There are some scenarios though that I would be forced to get naked… like those taking-a-bath-before-going-to-work scenes. Weird part of this dream is that I always take a bath with a set of people watching me. This dream naman would usually occur in the morning, a few minutes (or hours, I guess!) before I wake up. Then I would realize na I’m still lying in my bed… akala ko ready for work na ako! Kaya hayun, late na naman for work! Hehehe!
These dreams are bothering me for quite a while now. I have been checking dream interpretations in the net in order to have a better understanding why these dreams have been recurring. Most of the sites I visited said that my dreams are considered as the most common ones. And here are the basic interpretations of my so-called ‘usual dreams’:
Falling Dream. (1) Falling is an indication of insecurities, instabilities and anxiety. The dreamer is feeling overwhelmed and out of control in some situation in his/her walking life. (2) It also often reflect a sense of failure or inferiority in some circumstances or situation. It may be the fear from falling in one’s job/school, loss of status or failure in love.
Chase Dream. (1) It often stems from feelings of anxiety in the dreamer’s walking life. (2) It may represent one’s way of coping with fears, stress or various situations in life. Instead of confronting the situation, the dreamer is running away or avoiding it.
Naked Dream. (1) Nudity symbolizes a variety of things depending on one’s real life situations. Becoming mortified at the realization that the dreamer is walking around naked in public, is often a reflection of one’s vulnerability or shamefulness. (2) Nudity also symbolizes being caught off guard.
They say that dreams are manifestations of our inner desires… things that are long-kept in our subconscious minds. I do believe that some of the interpretations are applicable to me. The words “insecurities”, “fears” and “vulnerability” are so very true for me.
Some of you may not realize this but I have my share of “insecurities” on a lot of things… may it be physical aspect or personal achievements. I sometimes wish I had more than what I have now. Please don’t get me wrong, I am sooooo much thankful for all my blessings in life but the real world somehow makes me feel that sometimes my bests are not good enough. A friend once told me that I need to avoid comparing myself with other people because there will always be someone better than me. Well, he doesn’t have to remind me… I know that for a fact. I guess my experiences have contributed a lot on this “insecurities” as I have always been in competitive environments… I feel I’m just an Average Joe in the midst of Einstein- and Bill Gates-wannabes. Well, to confirm this claim, you better check out how intelligent all my HS classmates are!
I don’t usually discuss my “fears” to friends… not even to the closest ones. I feel that discussing things like these will only weaken me or show my weak side. Well, even the most powerful persons on the planet have fears of their own. Mine are rather similar to most people I know. I have ‘fears of losing a loved one’… may it be death or just mere separation. Well, I guess it’s only but human-nature to want to spend our entire lifetime with the ones we love. There are other people I know who fear of losing their loved ones because they are overly-dependent on them. I’d like to think that this one doesn’t apply for me. I also have ‘fears of getting hurt’ because I usually get devasted when I get hurt… main reason why I don’t indulge myself on falling in love. I have my share of hurt and pain in the past and I know how it feels like to be in that not-so-pleasant situtation. It’s a truly devastating feeling… and I’ve been there for years. And now that I am somehow out of that situation, I’d rather prevent myself from experiencing the same thing again. I have some other fears but I intend to keep them to myself as they are rather nakakihiya to share. Some of you might not believe me anyways
Despite my strong personality, I think I’m really a “vulnerable” person most especially in my downtime… in my lowest moment! Yes I know, we all try to be strong for ourselves. But I remember this one time when I sought a friend’s help because I could no longer bear the pain I was feeling. This too is a rare moment for me as I don’t easily seek help from other people… most especially when it’s heart-related. My friend was really surprised to see how emotionally broken I was. But she saved me some pride and maintained a very light conversation… too light that she didn’t let a single tear fell off my lonely eyes.
I’m so sorry if my writing today transpired into a dragging confession. My initial intention was to share these weird dreams of mine and hopefully help those who are experiencing the same thing… help them analyze things and better understand what they are going through.
And for those of you who wished me to get well – both physically and emotionally (you know who you are guys!), thanks so much from the bottom of my heart!